the smallest servant returned to her mistresses house, only to find that she and the servants were having some kind of party.  it was strange indeed, for the mistress was no longer crying, but rejoicing and eating and drinking.  because no one had noticed her, the smallest servant slipped into the bathroom and looked at the toilet.  it was not clean.  it was not only not clean, but it was really truly not clean, the uncleanest of all.

the smallest servant could not figure this out.  the mistresses only duty for today had to be to clean the toilet.  the toilet was not clean, and yet everyone appeared to be celebrating.  screwing up her courage, she went out to the great hall to ask just what was going on here.  it was not right to celebrate a job not only not completed, but a job that was not even started yet. "what is going on here? why is everyone celebrating?  not even one of the toilets has been touched yet, and here you are celebrating as though not only the job had already been done, but as though all the toilets had been cleaned as well."

hearing such a large rebuke from such a small servant had taken everyone aback.  "why we are celebrating the fact that you will come back with all the instructions on how to clean the toilet, and here you are, ready to join us."  the words had not come from any of the other servants for they did not speak to one another so.  the words had come from the mistress, herself.

"indeed i have come", the smallest servant replied. "but the cleaning of the toilet is not an easy matter, for there are tools required that i have never seen and do not know where they are kept."  the smallest servant was exhausted and only wanted to go straight to bed, but she went on anyway.  there are cleaners to be used, and as we all know the housekeeper keeps those locked away with her tools, the one she is always talking about, the ones we have never seen, only heard about in her cleaning stories."

such a severe admonishment set the laughter to bed and the mistress close to tears once again.  "there are other ways we can clean the toilet, but it does require a sacrifice on all our parts" the littlest servant did not like the idea of giving anything more than she had to the cause but she liked the idea of today never ending even less.

all the servants and the mistress gathered around and listened to the list of items their beloved mistress would need.  "scraps of cloth, not new, but also not too old"; "bits of sand from the outside, all put into a cup", "baking soda and vinegar" and "a worn brush, bigger than a tooth brush" were all soon found and given to the mistress.  in no time at all, the task was completed and the day was ended.  the smallest servant could finally go to bed and get some rest and wait to see what tomorrow would bring.  one thing was for sure, it would not involve cleaning anyone's toilet, or even anthing that would require her to seek out the housekeeper's advice again.  the smallest servant kept a dreamless sleep that night, without a thought of what was waiting to greet her when the mistress pulled out another slip with another chore labeled on its face.  you see, the mistress had cheated all her life and had left all the slips with all the chores listed upon them to the end of her todays, for she had never thought she would really live this long, and after all, wasn't doing chores always someone else's responsibility?

the voice came from somewhere near her feet, so the smallest servant looked down to see who it could possibly be that could be that short. "no one could ever be that short!" the smallest servant exclaimed to herself. but she really didn't believe what she thought.

there, lying at her feet and looking up at her was a beady-eyed rat. it was not an ordinary rat, however.  this rat was different in a way that the littlest servant could not explain.  maybe it was the fact that the rat could talk and was doing so, or maybe it was just that the littlest servant was too tired and too worn out from trying to help her mistress and that caused her to hear things.  yes, that had to be the answer.  no, it wasn't either the answer, because when the rat jumped up onto the smallest servant's lap, the voice that the she had heard became even louder.  nope, there was no way at all of dismissing this one, the rat was talking to her.

rather than dismissing this talking rat, after all, hadn't Snow White talked to the animals in the forest and even had them helping her with the housework? she went on listening to the rat and its speaking.  "i know someone who can help; really i do."  the rat was adamant in its believe that it could help so the smallest servant knew that there was only one thing left to do.  "how can you help?" she asked in her small voice.

"i know how to clean a toilet, i have watched the village housekeepers clean toilets a lot, but only when they thought i wasn't looking.  you see, they don't allow rats in a clean house, and they all say that rats are nasty disease-ridden filthy rodents."

the smallest servant thought about this statement and knew it was true. she had seen rats before and everyone had told her to stay away from them from the time she was old enough to remember.  but now she was talking to one.  she thought she must be crazy, but at least she could help her mistress if she found out how to clean a toilet.

"tell me how to clean a toilet and i will take you home with me and care for you and feed you and.." the smallest servant began.  "no, i won't go home with you, i am happy living in the village.  i already have all i need to eat, and i know all the safest places to sleep and the schedules of everyone in the entire village, so you see i am happy where i am now."

"then what do you want?" the smallest servant was getting truly desperate now, for she just knew that her mistress was drying up into a shriveled mess, and that there would be no one at all left to serve. "what must i do so that you will help me?" she asked the rat.

"nothing, nothing at all, other than just listen to me when i speak to you" said the rat. "that is all i really ask of anyone, just listen to what i say."  the smallest servant was overjoyed that she had finally found the answer to the problem and she listened carefully to what the rat had to tell her.  she thanked the rat for his kindness and when they were done speaking, they went their seperate ways, the smallest servant back to the mistresses house, and the rat went out to find his lunch for the day.  after all, a smart rat never has to eat the same meal in the same place in the same way twice, and today was a very special day indeed, for someone had finally listened to what he had to say.

meanwhile, back at the home of her mistress, the other servants had gone back inside to attend to the mistress who was still crying her poor little eyes out.  the tears came ever faster and the servants became ever so much more worried about their mistress drying up and blowing away.

rather than letting this happen, the servants brought their mistress a large glass of water to drink.  but she couldn't drink it, because she was crying too hard.  so they shut the windows and closed the curtains so that the sun could not get in to dry out her tears.  they closed off all the vents in the room so that no moisture could escape through any of them.  then they turned on the humidifier so that the room would stay full of moisture and their mistress would not dry out.  they were really scared and worried for her.  they were worried for themselves as well.  if the mistress dies, whom shall we serve they all asked one another.  still, her favorite maid stood by her mistress, patting her mistress's hand and trying to console her.  "don't worry, she said in her kindest servant voice "we have sent the smallest servant to find out how to clean a toilet.  she will be back soon."

upon hearing this news, the mistress cheered up considerably.   her tears stopped falling from her eyes and she ordered the servants to open the windows, the vents and all the other things that they had closed to keep her from shriveling up like a raisin or maybe a prune.  then she called them all into her room.  "thank you so very much, all of you for coming to my aid when i needed you most." she smiled so hard that even her eyes twinkled, and she was at once hungry again. "bring me something to eat, and bring food for yourselves also, i do not wish to eat alone today."

this was the first time ever the servants had been allowed to eat their meals in the same room as the mistress and it was a grand day indeed.  all the servants hoped that the littlest servant would be back soon, for they loved her greatly and truly admired her courage and wished that she could join them on this wonderful day of days.

but the smallest servant was not having much luck finding a housekeeper who could tell her how to clean a toilet, especially since they were all at the queen's house.  she just didn't know whatever she was going to do, especially since there were only so many ways to get into the queen's house, and she could only use the proper way; that is, to go by invitation.

sadly, with her wet hankerchief in her hand, she left the house with the sparkling clean toilet and waved goodbye to the one who had helped her in the first place. "think, think, i must think of something to do" she said this out loud, thinking only that she was alone, and that there was no one else to hear what she was saying, but this of course was not true.  at least not this time.

"what is it you are thinking about, maybe i can help you?" the voice that said these words was really truly tiny and would have sounded like a squeak to other people's ears, but not so to the ears of the littlest servant.  she looked all around her, but saw no one, not even one body standing anywhere near her.  "i must be just too upset," she said aloud to herself.  " i just must be too upset to know what i am saying" she had spoken out loud again, and this time she received a different answer.

"you might be very upset, but you are not hearing anything but a true voice of someone who wishes to help you"  this time the voice sounded just a little bit stronger, and just loud enough for her to see that it was not her own voice speaking, but that of another.

"who are you, and how can you help me?" the smallest servant asked in a small voice, not wanting to scare the other voice away.  after all, perhaps it could help her after all. "perhaps a better question to be asked would be not who am i, but where am i?" the voice replied from somewhere.  perhaps this would be a better question indeed!

the smallest servant walked briskly with her small steps not allowing even one of them to be wasted.  you see, she loved the mistress most of all, even though the mistress did not know that this servant existed.  the mistress only knew those servants who she had personally seen and none other.

after what seemed like hours of walking, the smallest servant finally reached a house that sat at the edge of the village.  with her small hands, she rapped rapidly on the door, hoping that someone would come to answer it before too long, becase she really and truly had to pee.

one of the villagers finally answered the door, and she was allowed into the house.  are you a housekeeper? was the first question the smallest servant asked. "no, came the reply, "i am not."  the smallest servant then asked to use the bathroom, not because she wanted to do so, but because she was forced by her need to do so.  closing the door ever so tightly she examined the facilities.  my how they sparkled and shone.  surely this villager would know how to clean a toilet, for this toilet was by far the cleanest the smallest servant had ever seen in her entire life.

"did you clean the toilet?" she asked in her smallest voice. "it is the cleanest toilet i have seen in ages." her cheeks reddened as she asked the question.  after all, it was a bit embarrassing to ask about another person's toilet, even if there was a compliment attached to the question.

"i did not."  the reply was curt.  the smallest servant was embarrased and ashamed to have asked.  "i did not ask for myself", said the smallest servant, "but for my mistress, who lives in the large house at the top of the hill.  she only lives for today and each day she has a task to complete.  today's task is cleaning the toilet.  but our housekeeper is gone for the day, and there is no one else who knows how to clean toilets in the whole house."

all this talking had winded the smallest servant badly and she became still and her face grew sad.  "all the housekeepers are at the queen's house.  they are learning how to clean the queen's toilet today.  it is because they are all allowed to take a turn cleaning her toilet, that way not one single housekeeper can brag that they are the one and only person to clean the queen's toilet." 

the smallest servant despaired at this notion.  the queen's castle was very far away and she had very short legs and very small feet and she was very tired.  "how ever will i get to the queen's house?" she asked herself out loud, not really expecting an answer.  "you can't" came the reply from the corner of the house where an old withered woman sat rocking on her stool.  "no one can go to the castle without an invitation. "

 "whatever am i to do?"  the  smallest servant began to cry.  she had never done so before and it felt really good to her.  no wonder the mistress cried so much.  it felt really, really good to cry. oh, my!  the mistress.  what if she cried out all her tears and shriveled up and died and there was no one to serve any longer?  whatever would she do?

they had been chasing her by the thousands ever wandering through the spaces in her brain, and she has a lot of spaces you see, for her brain has become like swiss cheese.  mice had been living there for ages, only because she had never, ever just sat down and thought about anything or anyone but herself, for she was one of the most selfish people on the face of the earth.  there was no one more selfish than she had been.

but that was today.  would tomorrow be any different?  she thought not, but only because her world revolved around her and her alone.  you see there was no yesterday for her, no tomorrow there was only the today that was, the today that had been and the today that was yet to come.

her life had been filled with todays.  today we will go to the zoo.  today will be the day when we go to the doctor. this today is the day they will tell us why you are feeling so poorly.  today. always today.  it had seemed to her that all her todays had been days to reckon with and that she had lived them over and over and over again.  today, my dear is the day that your daddy passed over.  we shall see him no more. she did not remember having kept that today, and she surely didn't want to live through that day again, so she threw it away into her pile of todays i surely will never have to live through again.  it was becoming a rather larger pile and she was running low on things to do for today. 

she pulled out another card and this card would decide what she wanted to do with her today, she just knew for sure.  she would not, could not throw this card away no matter what it said.  she would embrace her deed, the one written on this card, the deed for today.

today you will.... all her cards had started out like that.  today you will.... that part was no surprise for her, but she read the card slowly, ever so slowly.  today i will what?

today you will clean all the toilets in the house.  hmm....she had never seen this card, at least not that she could remember.  she called her servants and asked them.  servants, dear servants, she called.  the servants came quickly because they loved her dearly. 

"servants", she said in her kindest and clearest voice, "do you know how to clean toilets?"  but the servants did not know.  they had never cleaned toilets in their entire life, not even one of them.  "the housekeeper would know" they all told her at once, "but she is not coming in today".

"oh dear, oh dear", she said to everyone around her.  "how ever will i fill my task for the day, if no one can ever help me?"  alas, no one knew the answer to this question. not even one of her servants could give her even a modest answer.

"my today is completely and totally ruined!" she refused to budge from her bed, and her servants were forced to listen to her cry all day.  this made them all very, very sad, for even though she was very selfish, she was never mean and they had always tried to please her no matter what the cost to themselves was.  you see, they were selfless servants, the complete and total opposite of her.

"we must see where the housekeeper has gone and ask her."  the head of all the servants had said, knowing that he could not leave; she had depended upon him the most.  all the other servants chattered among themselves, wondering who should go.  they argued for the better part of the day, each coming up with a reason why they could not and would not go.

"i have no shoes and the road to the village is paved with stones and one of them might be sharp" said the servant with tender feet.  "i have short legs and the village is far away" said another servant. "i have no clean clothes to wear, and cannot be seen outside looking like this" said yet another.  excuses ran rampant as each of them stood their ground.

finally a small voice could be heard, but only because all the other voices had stopped their noise.  "i will go.  i am not afraid"  it was the voice of the smallest servant.  all of the other servants laughed and made fun of her.  "you will get lost outside the door." the servant with the short legs said. "you have no clean clothes" said the servant who was never seen outside the house in dirty clothes.  the excuses ran on and on.

finally the smallest servant put down her foot and told them all "if i do not go, today will never end, and the mistress will keep crying until all her juices are gone and will shrivel up and die.   you do not want that to happen, it would surely be just awful. none of us would have anyone to serve."  all the servants knew she was right, so they gave her directions to follow to get to the village and packed her some food and sent her on her way.

yesterday i called a friend of mine, one who had been on my mind for a while, that little nudge that said call her had been growing stronger for a while now, so i did.  turns out it was a fortunate call indeed, she had been going through some tough times and needed someone to talk to about the whole thing.

but what really struck me about the conversation was when we were talking about waiting for traffic, (there really is not much to speak of here in this town), and she got on this rant of 'don't they know how important you are?' it struck me suddenly like a bolt out of the blue. 

but i am not important, not any more and it is okay.  i don't have to be important any more, i don't have to be number one, i don't have to be my own god.  i can be just me, not have some overblown expectations to live up to, no fielding self-recriminations about why i didn't do this or why i didn't do that.  because it is not necessary.  for the first time ever in my life, i can be who i am, who i am in the right here and right now, and not worry that i am not good enough for anyone else, because in truth, i never was and never could measure up to expectations of those who knew that i would never be good enough no matter what i did.  amazing. simply amazing.

i wish i could take my friend's pain from her, but i can't.  she is strong, so the best thing i can do is just to listen and call her and check up on her and still be her friend even when she is hurting and angry and trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life with shaky hands. 

but she will recover.  she will be well. someday.  just not today.  so i will hang in there and thank God above that i was there for her when she needed me and that He used her to teach me a very important fact in life.  being the most important thing person in my life is probably the worst thing i could ever do.

flying into time is fun, but what about the yesterdays that might have been?  i often wonder what would happen if we could fly into the might have been and if we had a choice, would be choose that which might have been over what really was?  i don't know.  i will not go there, if only because i know what is, and if i choose a different path, what will happen to the here and now?  will it become better for only me if i take that path?  will i become someone who cares only for me, and only for what i want and only for what i think is right?  ah then i must stay away from the might have been for i fear that i will stay there in the land of the if only and become nothing more than a bitter memory in the minds of those who knew me when.

i look again, flying ever higher, chasing my dream is he real, can i touch his wings, is he like a moth is there dust on those wings?  i have is-ed myself back to where i had been, floating softly through the air now, clouds billowing down before me spreading out in their fluffy white splendor, waiting ever waiting.  But waiting for what?  Waiting for their turn to grow grey and fill with soft rain?  Waiting for the wind to move them, change their shapes, be filled with the joy of flying free, letting little bits of themselves tear away until they once again become part of the sky, waiting to be born again?  Or are they waiting for the angels to come sit on them and play their harps?  Good luck on that one, clouds, i say to them gently feeling their white cotton ball marshmallow softness surround my being. Good luck on that one.

i let myself fall ever farther, the scent of gentle rain cascading around me; seeing, hoping promising, loving.  i fly free now, unafraid soaring to the gentle plains through space and time and now backwards oh geez this is too much fun i am flying backwards, my feet are tipped and cutting through the sky and i am flying backwards through space and time i feel it now, the days counting backwards, faster faster ever faster past the time that i had been and into the time before i had become.


i am there now, where i have told myself i should have been born, on the praries watching them passing me now by the thousands, milling, snorting, moving, standing still, playing.  they are majestic, they are beyond mere meat and hides and horns.  they are honored by their simple beings, those with the wooly humps, those with the wide black curly-haired heads, those who live but a moment here on the wild plains, searching out tufts of grass, giving birth to their young.

i sense it now, the vibration in the ground as it seeps through the air.  the time has come the herd is on the move ever so slowly it begins as they give way to the stronger, the better, pushing the weaker into the middle, the small, the old, the weary.  the tremble rises throught the air, shaking even the place where i am floating as i do the jello dance here in the sky wiggling with excitement and wonder, but never fear, no not here not in this state there is no fear for me.

i see them now  their painted faces, the sounds of rushing hooves and running feet all mixed together like a symphony.  panting breath brings vapor into the sky as ragged wind runs through the herd.  they know that a few are to be taken this day but which?  how many?  these questions will not be answered, but they know still they know that those taken will be honored in death as they were in life, their majesty will not be thrown away.  their heart will be eaten by the bringer of death, their hides will warm the old and the women and the sick and the brave of the those who seek their lives, but here, now their death will be no disgrace for their meat will bring new life and the circle will come once again for they will roam the plains in the flesh of men whose death will not bring honor to others, only pain and only then can the circle of life be complete only then can joy begin.

the air rushes past me, gently sweeping the dust from my shoulders, from my arms from my back, from my hands when suddenly i find that i am falling like a rock, spiraling like a plane shot down, the ground is coming towards me so quickly, i must be going to die, smashed at the same moment i touch the ground, my hands, my neck my eyes, all joined as one piece.  i will be deader than dead. i have dropped the box, the one that allows me to fly, the box with my piece of heaven in it.

but just has i have given up all hope, just at that insane moment when death grins at me with his sardonic smile, i am suddenly swooping soaring rising above the earth at the speed of light, wings carry me boldly ever upward.  wait a minute, here, i don't have wings.  or do i? did i really just die without knowing? did i just suddenly be dropping with the  speed and power and freedom of a rock felled from a cliff, or maybe, just maybe, i closed my eyes and didn't see that i was dead, and geez this isn't too bad a place to be after all, it is nice and warm and the view is really nice and i am not going the wrong way at all.  i am headed upward, not downward.

i sigh a deep sigh of relief.  but wait a minute here, just wait a minute...this isn't right either.  you'd think i would notice if i had grown wings and that i would feel them working and maybe even be able to control the strength of the flap and maybe, just maybe if i move my shoulders, no, no that's not it at all, that doesn't change anything.

hold on! what is that arm doing around my waist?  whose arm is that.  my arms are still attached to my body and my head is not stuck to my feet and aren't those my legs down there, just dangling in space and i can still feel them and....

wow! oh wow! it is true.  its true.  i wasn't seeing things that day i was walking in woods and i heard that cougar snarl and i just kept walking, knowing that if i had stopped and the pygmy goats were following me and, and oh my, that's the answer.  the one i have been looking for, the answer that i have always wondered about; when i looked around, i saw them.  their wings were huge, and white and beautiful even when they were folded and so were they.  they looked like they could lift a mack truck or out fly a spaceship or even a train or even...even a falling tree.

they never speak, not in that form, but this one has put something into my hand, oh geez, it is the little box, the box from my closet, the box with a little bit of heaven and feel his smile warming me and that cute little wave saying see ya soon as he flies off to his next adventure....

today is ugly and cold outside, so i thought i would sit here and think good thoughts, for it is good thoughts that will make the brightness in my soul light up the rest of my day.


I was cleaning out my closet the other day, lo and behold i came across a box.  As you may as well know, boxes are hardly ever empty, and this one was no exception to the rule.  Inside this box were other boxes, some large some small and one tiny box was lying way over tucked into the corner, where not even one of the other boxes were near to it.  They almost looked as though they were afraid of it, that is if boxes could look.

But that is beside the point.  This little box wasn't brown and hard and like the others at all, it was soft and shiny and had a certain charm about it that made it impossible to resist.  So I didn't.  I reached down carefully, so as to not make the other boxes mad because I moved them and ever so carefully moved the boxes out of the corner.  It was warm and something suddenly shot up my arm and straight to my heart.  Oh, my.  Oh, me.  Oh goodness. 

For that is what had come from the box, goodness and mercy and grace and all that is good.  You see, this is the box where my little bit of heaven is stored.  I had forgotten all about it you see, tucking it away in the box and putting it in the back of the closet.  Well now, maybe if I could just peek inside to see what was there.....

What the....oh,no, I have opened the box a bit too far, and I am falling, oh no, somebody, help me please!  But wait, this is really and truly incredible.  I am not falling, I am flying, something that I have always wanted to do!  I am flying and I don't have wings, and I am not in a plane, and I haven't been thrown from a horse! 

This is so wonderful, I can see the stars and the sun and all the planets in the whole universe above me, and the trees and the pastures and the houses and the people below me and I am not afraid and the wind is blowing past me, no, no that is wrong it is rushing past me now, and I am diving and doing a loop-d-loop and oh my I have finally learned to dance and I swirl and play and joy fills every part of my being as the echos of the past fade away into the night sky.